Home Sweet Home

After nine months of being a house guest, I'm finally back in the nest. It's a complicated matter, but I thought if I left the comforts of home, I'd finish the love affair with board exams. And then sail off into the sunset with a residency. Hehehe. Life has other plans--as you all know, I've ditched that idea. While I'm grateful to the host family for the stay, I also left with a deep gratitude for my own upbringing and associated side effects. In other words, I'm glad that I wasn't a spoiled rotten tomato. I was the house guest, so I had to keep my cool under all conditions. Even if that meant to bear with stuck up attitudes from the pre-teen/teen girls and their mother. Wow--I had no idea that people could be so obnoxious.

I have my own Indian version of "All In The Family." Certainly we have our dysfunctions, and it takes humor to deal with the pains and dramas...However, I don't believe it gives others the right to throw slams on my face. Yes, I know that my parents have a complex relationship based on old traditions. I can't imagine my father doing anything except cerebral duties. Well, my host family's life is the total opposite. To put it bluntly: the woman has her hubby by the balls. So, this lady felt as if she had the right to dis my parents relationship/our ways of life/dysfunctions. What could I do, but suck it up and joke along (inside I was hurting bad). The ode to my mom on Mother's Day was written out of deep love. As well as from a comment from the host lady. She referred to my mom as my dad's personal secretary. Basically talking out of her ass a lot. See I don't care if my mom is just a housewife....as it is, she has a full time job as a devoted wife and mother. She has been around the world--accompanying my dad on his business trips. Saved her children during stressful exams. Yet, she doesn't complain. She does everything without the help of maids, cleaning ladies, etc. We're not rich. I help her around as much as possible. And so does my brother. Now, back to this comment about the personal secretary. My mother is a high school graduate, who chose to follow the old ways of marriage and motherhood. And I don't give a rat's ass if she doesn't have fancy initials after her name. She has given us nothing but unconditional love. Almost everyone is blown away by her humble mannerisms (i.e. not showing off). It irritates the hell out of me when so-called "modern Indian working women" don't have the slightest clue about social skills and decent manners. Take your degree and shove it up your ass. Go brag about yourself to your employer.

Wow it felt good to release all that. I love blogging. It gives a great outlet. I'm also glad to be back home.....

Yeehaaw!

Yeeehaaw! I had an entry about my finale with exams--it disappeared. Oh well, this picture sums up the mood. I'm off to explore undiscovered talents, people, studies, places...I might be broke, but it'll be worth it:-) Happy weekend to all.

"Is this some radical new therapy?"

The past entries had some angst, so I'll try to be lighter. Forgive me since I'm releasing bottled-up emotions, plus I can't afford therapy:-) Therapy is good, but it's expensive if one doesn't have proper medical coverage. Also, it's important to find the right therapist. I can't stress this enough! The last one was alright, except that he was costing a fortune. And I don't think he understood the severity of guilt issues and cultural clashes. Yet, he encouraged me to be independent. My first attempt at therapy was a joke. Of all the people in the world, I had to pick one who was of Indian origin. I didn't want to discriminate, so I went ahead and made the appointment. When I arrived, I noticed that his office had three huge portraits of his children. All of them were physicians. All pairs of eyes looking at me, all screaming: "What the hell is wrong with you?! Get your act together sister!" His wife was also a physician. Thanks Universe, for this cruel joke. Give me an entire physician clan.

I don't regret going to med school though. I had a blast. Met a lot of interesting eggs. If it wasn't for those eggs, I wouldn't have finished the degree. Now we're all scattered around the globe, and I wonder if we'll ever see each other again. Or find that level of connection with other eggs. (Wait--I have the blogger buddies. You guys are amazing, too!) It's life. I guess I wasn't prepared for these changes. Happens right? I'm sure we all have our post-university adventures.

I have a strong connection to children, especially the neglected/"slow" learners/handicapped. I could serve humanity in a non-medical setting. I'm not disabled, but I grew up in a pressure-cooker environment. Everything was constantly based on success and high achievements. These are fine goals, but it was stressful to be under a microscope. All the time. This led to a fear of failure. Along the way, I developed mechanisms to deal with failure. Bad ones! Not sure if this makes sense, as to why I'd find a kinship with such a crowd...So, is this a lofty goal? Am I being too idealistic? I would finally do something close to my heart. And break free from the established path.

Black comedy

Enjoy this clip! Hehehehe. Have a good weekend!

Self-defense reminders

After reading about the recent tragedy in Kansas, I'd like to emphasize the importance of street smarts to my lady friends. This young woman was at the prime of her life. She was a natural beauty, too. To think that a BASTARD had to take it away. I hope he gets the maximum punishment. Who knows how it could have been prevented? She was innocent. She probably didn't have much reaction time...still it's horrible that no one saw anything!!! No one to witness the abduction. In a freaking Target lot!

Anytime I read about another child or woman being subjected to torture and abuse, I get an immediate, visceral reaction. Without getting into much detail, let's just say that the egg was tossed around a few times. That's why I tend to be feisty/anxious/generally suspicious of the male species (just kidding--I definitely have more male friends...easier communication at certain times!). If it wasn't for a bizarre sense of humor, I probably wouldn't get through most of the day. Family members and outsiders don't understand these peculiar traits. Constantly I'm labeled as the unmarried, lack-of-ambition, hypersensitive gal. In my culture, it's akin to being handicapped. Nothing wrong with that--power to the disabled! Anyhoot, I shall get married when the right, caring man comes along. Someone who understands the good and bad...And soon I'll find an appropriate career (empowering women and children??!!). Everyone else can take their expectations to the nearest garbage dump.

Let's say a collective prayer for this victim and her family. And remind each other to be more vigilant. I know it's not healthy to be in hyper alert mode (hell we have enough alerts on TV!). But it pays to be slightly alert to the surroundings, especially if one is alone! Take a look at these tips. As well as this page. Some reminders are always useful.

I don't like haiku

I might as well have one more entry for the night. I deleted a haiku like comment from a Kim? Blogs are for personal rants, laughs, raves, etc. If you don't like what you read, take a hike sister. No one's forcing you to read my musings about strangers. It's a humorous PSA about strange men. I'm not that full of myself...hehe. I was lurking around the blogosphere as babette. I'm not sure if I'm really a babette, but it's a funny name. My life isn't that exciting. I spice up the ordinary moments of life. That's the way I operate...To each his own.

Rat watch

What a day.. While waiting for a ride, I was approached by a man who said he was lost and and needed directions. I tried to guide him back to the destination. I noticed that he didn't really pay attention since his eyes were wandering up and down. I don't know--maybe not everyone is fond of Kermit The Frog t-shirts. It became clear that he wasn't interested in directions. As I was getting ready to go, he said he had an office down the road and asked if I knew anyone who needed work...No, I didn't know anyone. Of course I'm slow, so I got it later....

What the hell? What gave this person such an impression? Bastards like this give a bad name to people who are really lost. Ladies be careful. I felt bad about myself. Why should I right? I wasn't wearing provocative clothing. The Kermit shirt was slightly fitted. No makeup. Flip flops. Jeans. Some years ago, a similar incident happened at the library. The person claimed to be new in town, and wanted to meet Indian people. He insisted that I give my phone number (wrong one!). Something smelled rat all over, so I took off. Very pushy for a stranger.

It's always better to trust intuitions. ALWAYS! Note to self: join a karate class.

Confessions

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."--Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

Reinventions don't happen overnight. Shedding the past is difficult. And it doesn't help when an ex keeps popping up in dreamland! Why is this happening? It was ancient history! The other morning I woke up feeling very confused, and unsettled. So, I numbed myself with a bowl of peanuts and brownies. Along the way, a cupcake also showed up. I don't have an eating disorder. When there's a full moon, I morph into my inner cat woman character...I do believe the fertility cycle is linked with the phases of the moon. Okay that was a lot of information, but it's true. I will eat anything in sight, plus rage at the slightest injustice...

Back to the topic of change. Lately I've had a lot of time to be alone, and reflect on my needs. I found that I've been putting others ahead of myself since a young age (5yrs old?). There was a period of real abandonment, which explains why I have difficulty being alone. Also, I accept the fact that I don't love medicine. It was part of the past. It was an accomplishment. Now it's time to find my own path. It's going to be difficult since there's enormous debt (medical school is not cheap!)...Lord it would be nice if you could take care of this problem! But that's the truth. I'm getting old and tired, and I have to start living life for myself.

I've made a lot of lifestyle changes, like reversing the past anxiety and insomnia. Now I sleep like a baby. I enjoy regular walks, and eat proper meals (with the occasional binge..ahem). Still there's something missing. And that's the happiness of a career. I look at other physicians, and frankly, I want to run for the hills. I feel out of place in this environment. So, that's my confession. 8yrs of pain for an MD, which won't be used for clinical practice. When my colleagues and I talk, I say "yeah, okay..aha..blah." Well, you get the point. I don't have much to talk about. Anyway, I'm learning to accept solitude. And I find that I'm not alone with these feelings. Thanks to other bloggers for sharing their stories of change and renewal! It's going to be scary and fun...