"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."--Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
Reinventions don't happen overnight. Shedding the past is difficult. And it doesn't help when an ex keeps popping up in dreamland! Why is this happening? It was ancient history! The other morning I woke up feeling very confused, and unsettled. So, I numbed myself with a bowl of peanuts and brownies. Along the way, a cupcake also showed up. I don't have an eating disorder. When there's a full moon, I morph into my inner cat woman character...I do believe the fertility cycle is linked with the phases of the moon. Okay that was a lot of information, but it's true. I will eat anything in sight, plus rage at the slightest injustice...
Back to the topic of change. Lately I've had a lot of time to be alone, and reflect on my needs. I found that I've been putting others ahead of myself since a young age (5yrs old?). There was a period of real abandonment, which explains why I have difficulty being alone. Also, I accept the fact that I don't love medicine. It was part of the past. It was an accomplishment. Now it's time to find my own path. It's going to be difficult since there's enormous debt (medical school is not cheap!)...Lord it would be nice if you could take care of this problem! But that's the truth. I'm getting old and tired, and I have to start living life for myself.
I've made a lot of lifestyle changes, like reversing the past anxiety and insomnia. Now I sleep like a baby. I enjoy regular walks, and eat proper meals (with the occasional binge..ahem). Still there's something missing. And that's the happiness of a career. I look at other physicians, and frankly, I want to run for the hills. I feel out of place in this environment. So, that's my confession. 8yrs of pain for an MD, which won't be used for clinical practice. When my colleagues and I talk, I say "yeah, okay..aha..blah." Well, you get the point. I don't have much to talk about. Anyway, I'm learning to accept solitude. And I find that I'm not alone with these feelings. Thanks to other bloggers for sharing their stories of change and renewal! It's going to be scary and fun...
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12 comments:
Maybe you can do something else with your MD? I work daily with tons of doctors and I would never want to do what they do. Crazy.
Nutz-Yeah I'm looking at other options. It's such a big world right? Teaching or public health..just gotta find my niche!
You'll never be alone with anything!!!
Remember, we are somehow connected!!
Good luck to you. I'm a firm believer that the most important thing in life is to be content with what you do each day and, for most of us, that means the job that feeds us.
I was miserable at my job for the last five years but I found that when I was shoved into early retirement back in March that I was still unprepared for the future. I've had a difficult time adjusting to not seeing my work colleagues (I won't call them friends since they have already drifted out of my life, looks like) and worrying about whether we can afford to leave the work force for good at my age. My wife is unable to work and hasn't for several years, so we are wondering what the future holds for us now.
But, on the bright side, I'm more content with myself, I feel less stress than at any time in the last several years, and I sleep at night for a change. I'm already healthier and I know that I'm going to be a lot happier in the long run.
All that to say...hang in there. Find what makes you happy and do it. Enjoy the life that you have before it is too late. Most of us only get second chances if we create them for ourselves. You're on your way. :-)
Angel-Thanks:-) Indeed you're an angel.
Sam-Thanks for the thoughtful comment! It sounds like you're taking good care of yourself. I neglected my health until a few years ago. Have been refueling since...Better to be happy and healthy (than burned out!).
I had a dream about the ex too and that totally threw me off as well...brownies and cupcakes i feel are good for the soul.
Good luck with the life changes you're about to embark on. I wish you the best of luck with everything!
Dreams about ex's suck. I am still convinced my ex is satan, she was a total bitch(can I say that word on this blog?)
I think you should totally reinvent yourself!! :) I wouldn't do teaching, I am a teacher haha :) although you'd do college probably much better money.
Can you take a look at my foot sometime?
I work in medical sales...the area I work in is great. I feel like I'm really helping others.
If I were an MD, I'd love to work with those surgical instruments and stuff. It's fascinating.
I'm sure there's a lot you can do. It's just a matter of seeking out something that fits.
Go into teaching... so rewarding!
I really value my time alone. Quality Time with myself.
All I know is that you must follow your heart and do something that makes you happy. Life is way too short to be stuck in a career you dislike.
Ruby-Thanks! Sweets are great for the soul. In moderate amounts!
Phats-Some people are just bad eggs. Luckily there are good ones.
Phoenix-Nice that you love your job. Hope to get in that mode, too!
Missy-Alone time is good.
Mr. Shife-Yup! Agree all the way:) I found out that I don't have a doctor personality. I knew this for a long time, yet stuck around.
I'll have to come up with something inspirational for you to read. :)
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